I have to confess; I am totally being a slacker today. It’s kind of overcast and gray outside, sort of hot and humid, threatening to rain but when it does, only fitfully. I’m feeling emotional, which is not always a bad thing, but I haven’t quite moved beyond self soothing and mindless youtube surfing and it’s about four in the afternoon. So I’m going to start typing and see where this goes.

I’ve been thinking about freedom a lot lately. What it means to be free. I find it funny that when I think of those moments I’ve felt most free they were those times when I’ve been most constrained or maybe restrained might be the better word. I wonder why this is. I’m not alone in this experience, however. I know this because otherwise the word cleave would have only one meaning, not two contradictory ones. Cleave means to split, to penetrate or pierce something – it also means to cling closely to something or someone.

The things that make me go hummmm.

This year opened with a core need, an almost imperative drive to… I don’t know, rid myself of my addictions, of the things that were keeping me from being healthy and well adjusted (if only in my own mind). And I think what has become most apparent to me through this process is that there is no, and never has been, one single right way to live, forever and ever amen. I keeping coming back to this place where I find that I might not have been wrong, but I also wasn’t right. And they weren’t right but they weren’t quite wrong either. There’s this ambiguity that resides in every moment of existence. Sorry I guess I’m really only rambling today.

Where was I going with this… there’s this interdependence between the outer and the inner, something about their relation to one another that creates meaning of and for the other. Different entirely from Independence or Codependence which is at base the abjuration or assumption of dependence, an either/or equation rather than a neither/nor sum.

On a entirely different but sort of related theme – I thought I’d include a current garden shot and a before and after of my daily juicing adventures. Till next time.


Drinking fresh carrot/apple/ginger/golden beet/and assorted baby pepper juice. My mouth is all stingy from the ginger and I get this strange rush after the first 8oz. probably all in my head, this sudden burst of energy. But the effects, after three weeks of juicing, are readily visible in my skin, regardless of what my brain’s doing. My casing is toned and sort of luminous, younger in appearance. Then again it could be the 14 days of no alcohol. Both I imagine.

Two weeks of no moonshine and I blew it by drinking wine at a party on Saturday. Spent Sunday morning puking my guts out as a reminder of why liquor and I are on the outs.

I went to an AA meeting by the way, my first ever. My sister Owl has been struggling with alcoholism and asked me to go with her. Seeing as how I’ve also been struggling with my alcohol use, I figured it wouldn’t hurt any to attend and learn how others have dealt. I found the experience humbling and I have to say I got a lot out of it. There were things said there that continue to cross my mind almost a month later.

I wrote the twelve steps down on a pad of paper so I’d have something to keep my hands busy and my nerves down.

Gosh I could really go for something sweet right about now.

So I went for something sweet and got swept up in reading 50 Shades and now it’s midnight and I’m a pumpkin. More later I guess.