Public and Privet.

At long last…. I’m writing.

As we all know, but mostly forget, is that the internet is a very public space. And very little about any of us is privet information. Google your own name sometime and see what I mean. $15, someones full name, mixed with the net… gets you anything you want to know.

There have been three incidence of this very public vs. privet, arena  I’m talking about.

Unfortunately all three incidence have been my privet life being taken too public.

The first: back in january, when my new boyfriend outed me to his somewhat prudish family. Yep, told his siblings about The Kink Project and my blog. I really love the man, things are still going strong between he and I, but you might hold off sharing that tid bit of news till they’ve gotten a chance to know me. Lucky for me they’ve given me a chance. Still, hard for me to Write under those circumstances. I’m kind of over it.

The second: A client took my compliance statement information and did a search on me. After which he very inappropriately, started sending me emails, detailing everything he’d found, and defended his actions by saying anyone could do the same, that it’s not a privet place out here. I debated a week before taking down my compliance statement. The client was right anyone could do the same, and I best protect my anonymity. I thought about stripping down the gallery but wasn’t willing to make that move, just yet, as there was nothing in any of pictures that requires a compliance statement, but I thought it best to cover my ass. I’m not over it: I stopped writing. Stopped making posts. Ambivalent.

The third: And current crisis….

I don’t even know where to begin.

I guess it starts years and years ago…  I met the woman you know as Mistress Veronica V. We lost touch with one another many times over the years but we somehow managed to remain friends. Often very distant. With the advent of the Project she immediately came to mind. The perfect cover model for my site. I tracked down her parents and left a message. A few weeks later M. Veronica emailed me. She could do a few photo shoots with me. The idea was to feature different photographers, and perhaps set up the site to sell prints.

Unfortunately I ran into problem after problem.

Photographers were hard to come by. Many wanted to keep the photo rights. Many wanted to be paid lots of money. Many wanted to shoot porn, and that’s not what the Project is about.

M. Veronica could rarely get away. For various personal reasons.

And my own life got so busy that the Project sat on the back burner. The whole no writing thing, you’ll recall.

There was one other minor concern with using M. Veronica as a model: if CV ever saw the pictures he would go ballistic. I think both of us assumed the Project would remain a small tight knit group of friends and artists.

Sigh…  CV found the Project. I received an email from M. Veronica requesting that I remove her from the Project… As many of you have noticed and commented on. I haven’t emailed her back. Other than taking the gallery down… I haven’t done anything with the site. It’s just too damn depressing, you know what I mean?

That was until this afternoon.

I’ve never met CV in person, and though M. Veronica hasn’t spoken of him, I’ve heard enough through the grapevine. Unsavory. This wouldn’t be an issue except it seems that MR CV called up one of my photographers yesterday, and harassed him. CV insisting that he knows where I live etc.and demanding to know who I am. Very creepy. I still haven’t emailed a reply to M. Veronica, and there haven’t been any further emails from her, and I’m worried. Sounds like I’ve got a crazy after me and it’s time for me to file a restraining order. Just perfect.

So there it is folks, this is what can happen to you if you ever become a writer on the World Wide Web. Think about it for a min or two.

Here’s the deal: I’ve taken months off from the Project. Doing a risk assessment. Is it worth it? Do I really want to keep doing what I’m doing? Is what I’m getting out of it more than the shit I’m taking for it?

After giving it a lot of thought: here’s not what’s going to happen. I am not going to be intimidated, bullied, or harassed by anyone.

I’m writing. Making posts. There will continue to be changes to the Project, as necessary. But I’ve worked long and hard for this place and I’m not going to run, or pull the plug.

In Retrospect…

(Author: Scratch)

“My god. The view from up here is breathtaking.”

This was the thought running through my mind when I completed the Ropes course many years ago. After climing up a bare, 50-foot pine tree, I stood atop the wooden plank bolted into its apex and looked over the forest. This was the view of the eagle.

Looking back over the last year of my service to Miss Grey, I’ve marveled at the growth I’ve experienced. Even when Her presence and influence wasn’t in-person, I was being taught by Her through the drills, the yoga, the conversations and tutelage that continues to resonate in my heart and mind. While it’s true that the Master-student relationship never ends, there’s a point where the student arises from his seat and says “I am whole,” realizing that the Teacher is within.

The archetype I have been following is that of the warrior: a young boy who leaves his home in search of other lands and adventures, and who returns as a man. In a letter to Miss Grey, dated last September, I expressed the wish “to master my mind. Fear, confusion, mistrust, insecurity, neurosis, disempowerment and self-judgment are no longer states of mind worthy of my energy.” I have attained this purview and I will continuously perfect it through practice.

It’s in the last year that I’ve come to appreciate the value of work, the joy of play, the needlessness of punishment – I’ve cultivated a staunch disinterest in victimhood and instead will push through to discovering my power, my strength and worthiness.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
– Bene Gesserit “Litany Against Fear” from Frank Herbert’s, Dune

Miss Grey has taught me through subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways how to shape the Man I wish to be, physically, mentally and spiritually.  I’ve discovered what my boundaries are in many areas of my life and, most importantly, how to hold them firmly planted.

I am leaving Utah, my birthplace and home for 28 out of my 30 years, for numerous reasons.  And much like the returning warrior, I will one day come back to Utah, carrying with me a boon of knowledge, wisdom, experience and skill that I can employ in the shaping of my world.  Perhaps then, someone might wish to call me “Master,” much the way I have with Miss Raven Grey.

I look forward to the adventure.